19 August, 2007

PG-13 blog entry: Why do guys pee standing up?

I don't know why I said that this blog entry is PG-13. Oh, I know why. Because I'm talking about peeing! And that's clearly a mature topic. So anyway, I have a question that I will pose to both the men and women reading my blog. I realize that consists of 1 man and 3 women, but let's for a moment pretend it's a whole bunch of people and I'll try to be self-important.

The question: Why do guys need to pee standing up when they visit your house?

So I have a confession to make. If I come to your house, I'm going to sit down when I pee. You may not need to know this. Or you might think I'm really strange for even noting this to you. But there really is a point here that goes WAY beyond me over-sharing. Though I admit freely that there's a usual element of over-share. After all, what the else do you expect to find in my blog.

There are some exceptions to this rule. For instance, if your bathroom and house are extremely nasty and/or I am extremely drunk. In either of those circumstances the rules may be different. But here's the thing. The reason men pee standing up is because they can. And in a public bathroom, makes perfect sense - there is even a special wonderful apparatus that was designed specially to enable men to exercise our god-given ability to pee upright. I was hoping I could tell you something interesting about when the urinal was invented, and I checked Wikipedia but they don't seem to have an invention date. So I guess they've always existed. Before the urinal as we know it, there was something called a tree which worked well for about 30 million years. There's a little more history about bathroom facilities on this completely exciting site. But still no hard data. Somewhere it said something about a Roman guy inventing it during the empire, but I think the site was a joke because they called the inventor "Ureacles". That sounds fishy.

Back to my original subject. If you ask any woman about what she thinks about a guy using her bathroom, I guarantee you she will have some comments about it. These will include reference to things like "bad aim", "spattering", "puddles", and "leaving the seat up". And there's not a woman who won't say this. Because it's true. Guys don't know this because guys don't ever clean their bathrooms :)

Anyway, because this appears to be a universal problem, I think that peeing standing up is a form of disrespect to others, particularly women, who do clean their bathrooms. Just because you can pee standing up does not mean that you must pee standing up. In fact, I would say that this should be an opportunity to relax, sit down, take a load off, and contemplate the meaning of the universe. And this refers purely to the case of visiting someone's home. I'm not telling you to sit in public to pee - because there are urinals there.

So here's an action item. If you're a guy, and you read this... sit down when you pee at people's houses!!

And if you're a woman, and you read this... tell your significant other and your male friends that they should show some respect and sit down!

And tell your woman friends to tell their guys too...

And all across Seattle, and America, and eventually the entire world, there will be clean toilet seats, unspattered tanks, and puddleless tile floors.

This has been a public service announcement.

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