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16 August, 2007

Sorry to keep you waiting

Oh, yes. My faithful audience of 3 awaits my every keystroke. And at last, or alas, I abide. Okay, I am feeling like being morbid, so now you must endure it.

Sorry in advance. For those of you who know me well, don't be alarmed - I am not depressed or on any sort of a downward swing. Just feeling pensive for reasons that I will not explain or broadcast here, but am happy to discuss offline with anyone I know well.

So... without further ado... the topic is death.

Well, I guess everyone dies, yes... and we never know who is going to die next. People even create silly gambling pools in the workplace about which famous people will die in the next year. And of course everyone puts Keith Richards and Dick Cheney on the list, because you know eventually you'll be earning points on those two. But they live on. And there's such a fascination with it. People who are completely uninteresting suddenly become legendary. We all saw it in the media in the past year. Somehow, Anna Nicole Smith became more important to the fabric of our history than Richard Nixon.

But that's not what is on my mind right now. I'm getting around to the serious part by way of the rambling part.

This entire blog is being disrupted by the fact that I am also engaged in Google Talk and I also have to pee really badly.

Back to death...

Setting aside famous people... we all still are going to die. And nobody knows when. I can get myself all paranoid about how thick the irony would be if this were my last entry because of some terrible accident. People would talk about it, and it would be like "Wow... that's so weird how he was just talking about it." It would suck, is what it would be.

I've been very fortunate in this life. I have never lost anyone that is incredibly dear to me, and there are people out there, myself included, who feel a little bit like that's a really jinxy thing to say. But what can I do. Typing words on this page is not going to bring about ill fate. If I resist typing it, then I believe in fate. And I am not sure I do. Not in the figurative sense, anyway. Literally, I sort of believe in fate, because to me it just means that whatever actually occurs was bound to occur, because it did. And once it does occur, it cannot unoccur, thus it was fated to occur. But me typng this paragraph will not make anything occur. Unless, of course, you read this blog, and then you're driving down the highway, and you're so deep in thought about the brilliance of my words that you drive off the road into a lake. But let's set that special case aside, and say that there's no way I can make bad things happen by typing, so let's not worry about it.

Nonetheless... nobody likes to talk about it.

So, a lot of people I know have had people close to them die. In fact, some people I know have had many people close to them die. And I feel terribly sad for them, but cannot empathize, nor do I really ever want to have the opportunity to empathize. But I will. Inevitably. Unless I go first.

Even within my family... my grandparents either died when I was too young, or I wasn't close enough to them to feel it the way I could have felt it. But I know that I'll see members of my family die (again, with the footnote of unless I go first). And it will suck. Living across the country makes me really think about how many more times I will see my parents. Maybe 20. Maybe 2. Maybe 0. And I don't really yet have an appreciation for what it means to "not be able to talk to someone ever again". There are people who are not in my life anymore for other reasons. And I have a hard time letting them go. Even people from 20 years ago. I can think about it and realize again that it would be nice if it were different.

What can you do?

It's scary. Very scary.

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