05 September, 2007

Here we go with the Dad dreams again...

I'm starting to get used to this. It isn't surprising, or upsetting anymore. We all know that my "Dad" is "me" in the dream, so let's have a look-see and figure out what this one means...

So this time, my Mom and Dad are both in the dream, but of course my Dad is receiving the brunt of the attention. I'm very angry and yelling, as usual. And there are two main issues.

1. I'm yelling at my Dad and asking him why they never give a hard time to my brother or sister, only to me. Why do they not expect anything from them? Why do they not yell at them? It's always me. And I'm swearing at him, and you know. I am even sort of being physically violent with him in the dream.

2. Additionally, in my dream, I remember yelling "How can you say that I'm weak!?" And I go on and on about how he has a fucking nerve calling me weak, etc. So... nothing new here. My Dad is me. I'm feeling like I need to measure up to a certain standard that my brother and sister are not meeting, and I feel pressure to achieve this. Probably fear that I can't keep achieving it. How exciting.

Then the weak part... I guess that's probably a follow-on from my "Goodbye Corolla" blog that I wrote last night. I think I feel weak right now because I am still not over anything from anything. Every wound I've ever felt, and every loss I've ever experienced is always just a thought away, or a movie away, or a song away, from being brought back up to the emotional surface to recur like it was yesterday. And I guess I'm beating myself up for being weak. There's this struggle inside between accepting myself and judging myself. And I've created my Dad as the judger in the dreams.

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