07 September, 2007

Not ready for the NFL

Well, last night I had my first tryout for the NFL. And I will not be making the team.

The story starts 3 days ago when my good friend, who will go unnamed, lets a giant fucking moth into my house. I said "Get it out". But it went under the washing machine, and the conclusion (of which I was not confident) was that it would die under there.

A day goes by, and no moth. So I figure it's dead. But then 2 days ago, I am sitting at the computer and I hear a fluttering noise. And this thing is like a fucking bat, it's so large. Large moths like this really creep me out, because I do not like things that move in pseudorandom directions. Because the law of averages says that something pseudorandom will occasionally move directly at you. So I pick up a book to try to hit it, and the book accidentally goes flying out of my hand and smashes into the wall, but no moth. Then it flutters toward my computer, and by the time I come back with "the broom" it has disappeared. I know it is near my computer, but it is not revealing itself, and I am freaked out.

You're wondering what this has to do with the NFL. Just wait.

So I figure, okay, the moth has died behind the computer monitor. Another day goes by. No moth. Then last night, I go to bed in my (new) bedroom, and I turn out the lights and lay down.

Then I hear the fluttering noise. What the holy fuck?

I turn on the light, and I see the moth high up on the vaulted ceiling near the window. I get the broom. My first swing misses, and the thing is now flying around the room. I am flailing about with the broom trying to hit it. And missing because its motherfucking pseudorandom path, much like the "serpentine" that Alan Arkin's character does in "The In Laws", is doing a good job of messing up my aim. Then it's flying towards me, and I briefly turn to run toward the doorway of my room to get away from it and regroup for another attack.

And suddenly, I am on the floor, face down, and in a phenomenal amount of pain. Suffice it to say, I now know what a wide receiver feels like when he's running for a pass and gets his legs taken out from under him. In my "sprint" to escape the moth, I did not see my 80 pound guitar amplifier that was directly in my path. And as a result of not seeing it, the corner of said amplifier got me just above my right knee, on the tendon, and sent me airborne.

When I hit the ground, I was in such pain that I did not know if I had caused serious injury, but fracture seemed like a distinct possibility, which was further supported by the fact that I felt slightly nauseous and was completely out of breath for several minutes after. After a few minutes, I felt around down there and realized that I hit it just above the kneecap. I think if I had hit 1 centimeter lower, I would have done serious damage.I finally get up, and I see the moth lying dead on the floor. I don't know how this happened. Perhaps the moth also flew into the amplifier and was merely stunned. But for good measure, I whacked it a few more times with the broom and then got rid of it. Think Woody Allen with the spider in the bathtub in the movie "Annie Hall".

When I went to bed, I had a very hard time relaxing at first because the knee was still throbbing and today it is very swollen and has slightly limited range of motion. So, from now on, I will ask that if you let a moth into my house, YOU get rid of it before you leave. Because I'm getting too old for this shit.

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