16 May, 2008

I hate the Mariners. And here's why.

Location: Redmond
Mood: stuck

We love our sports teams, we humans do. Not just in Seattle. Not just in America. But everywhere. I suppose it's a good thing that we don't kill the players when they kick the ball in the wrong goal, as is done in some countries. But I would actually argue that perhaps we would be better off if this happened all the time because eventually there would be no more players.

And then we would not have so much traffic here.

Why do people want to go to the Mariners game? Because it's fun? Is it fun? Or have we just been conditioned to think it's fun. Because I have gone many times, and I really don't think it's fun at all.

If you watch a sitcom like "Everybody Loves Raymond" and they remove the laugh track, guess what? It's not so funny anymore. Really. I am not kidding you. We laugh because we hear laughing and we are conditioned to join in the experience. Of course there are some funny sitcoms, and of course, there are movies that are hysterically funny without a laugh track to cue us as to the funny parts.

But a baseball game is sort of like a sitcom. It happens all the time. It's the same thing every time, with minor variations. And there are a million cues happening to tell us what we should be feeling, and when. There are few places in life where I feel my dignity is as challenged as in a stadium. First you are forced to herd yourself like cattle. Humans are not herd creatures. We don't belong in herd. I don't think we really belong anywhere but that's another story altogether. We are herded into a large seating area, where there will be a game. The game is played by people who would represent, probably, the lower end of society, if not for their "god-given" (tongue-in-cheek) talents with which they are endowed. These people are usually uneducated, or poorly educated. Usually very religious. Usually Republican. And they are now living millionaire lifestyles. I highly doubt, based on the vehicles you see them driving, that any of them give one iota about the environment. They are "superstars". And the world (or at least America) hangs on their every move out on the playing field. They are the people we idolize. Children have posters of them. I am getting on a tangent here.

And I realize there are plenty of ballplayers who are charitable. However, I would argue that that's because they are religious and they believe that they must be charitable or they'll go to hell. And furthermore, I have hard time feeling that thankful when guys who earn millions of dollars a year give a few hundred thousand of their "found money" to charity. How kind. How generous.

I'd love to see a player sign a $10 million dollar per year contract, and immediately announce that he will be give $9.9 million of this money, each year, to charity, because he really doesn't need to live in excess, and $100k/year is more than most people ever see.

Yeah. That would be priceless.

But I am still digressing.

What I wanted to complain about was traffic.

Right now, I cannot get to Seattle from Redmond without encountering a traffic nightmare, because our beloved Mariners are in town. People flock to see them. So they can sit in dirty seats, and look at tiny little spoiled dots moving around on a field. All the while, they will be instructed when to clap, when to stomp, how to clap, when to cheer, when to make "noize", and all this, while having the great opportunity to buy fast food at 100 times what it costs to produce it, instead of the usual 20 times what it costs to produce it.

So much fun.

And these people clog our roadways. And fuck up traffic for all of us. And yet, when it comes time to vote on whether or not we should spend more money to make roads or public transportation better, these people say "no", that's not how we want our money spent!

And where did our tax dollars go?

Um... to building new stadiums! Excellent. That's progressive living for you.

And how are the beloved Mariners doing so far this year?

Let's take a peek...

Oh look! They're in LAST place in their division.

16 wins
26 losses

Nice. Definitely worth paying to see THAT happen.

In fact, out of THIRTY teams, only 2 of them (San Diego and Colorado) are worse, and barely.

But we still sit in traffic.

Because we are all just human cattle.


  1. Go Red Sox!!

    ...is the plural form of stadium 'stadia'? or 'stadiums'?

    or 'stadiae'?

  2. Not to take away from your rant, because I hate traffic, too. But, how does you traveling FROM Seattle TO Redmond make the traffic the fault of the Mariners? The stadium is in Seattle. =)

  3. in the evening, when there is a mariners game, i am driving from redmond to seattle. so that's the traffic.

  4. Roger, roger. I am reading you loud and clear. I work in West Seattle and week day games kill me when driving home.