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04 May, 2008

Learning about myself...

Location: dark corners of the mind
Mood: routinely surprised

I am still trying to learn about myself. I am not sure if that's a positive testament to my ongoing quest for self-improvement, or if it is a reflection on my complete inability to achieve clarity and stick with anything - whether it be a course of action in this world, or an understanding of the nature of my own character. I suppose it depends which day of the week you ask me the question.

But the thing that amazes me is that I think that the mere asking of the questions is what creates the opportunity for the changing of the answers. Perhaps it's just another manifestation of self-absorption. If I devoted all my energy to some cause outside of myself, then the evolution of thought and experience would be outwardly directed. But my "project" I guess continues to be "me". It is even evident in the very existence of this blog. Although there are clearly a fair number of people reading it, most of the reads I am quite certain are "me reading me". And one has to wonder what is the boundary line between self-exploration and narcissism.

Though I guess I get credit for being narcissistic in the most self-loathing nature possible.

The question that has been the big challenge for me lately is "What do I want out of life?" And that's not exactly a question that you kick around like "What do I want for dinner?" or "What should I watch on TV tonight?"

And it's also not necessarily a question that one should be still woefully uncertain about on the cusp of age 40. And that's the cusp upon which I presently sit. Maybe I am on the verge of a mid-life crisis? Heck, I am still buying guitars - that's got something to do with mid-life crisis. But of course, leave it to me to do my mid-life crisis ass-backwards. While the typical thing would be to go and buy a sporty car, what did I do? I got rid of my sporty car, and bought an economical rodent farm.

I guess the crux of mid-life crises is the quest for "change" or for filling in holes. But if that is what it's all about, then I'd have to say that from age 25 until now, I've been living in one long mid-life crisis. The very nature of my life has been change. I don't know.


Bah. I am stopping here. I can't go any further with this thought.

3 comments:

  1. "Self-improvement is masturbation"
    --Tyler Durden

    Signed,
    Former Owner of an Economical Rodent Farm

    ReplyDelete
  2. Inman Wheelright05 May, 2008 08:27

    Narcissism is the love of oneself, but that still leaves room for self-absorption.

    It gets to be a problem when self-absorption gets in the way of your being able to empathize with others. If you still have empathy, then you're ok.

    Taking a critical look at the trajectory of your life is healthy and too many don't do it enough.

    Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions:

    What would make you happy?
    Where do you want to be in five years?
    How are you going to get there? Are you going to create anything beautiful that outlasts you?
    Have you shaved your hamster recently?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your last car wasn't sporty.

    ReplyDelete