19 June, 2008

Getting unstuck...

Location: the great wide open
Mood: free

I feel like I am letting go. Moving forward. Starting a new phase. I was stuck and now I am not.

Little things. Really little things. Trivial things.

I finally watched movies that I had from Netflix since March 20 ("Harsh Times") and January 9 ("Six Feet Under" episodes), respectively. Yes. I was paying $18/month to support the Netflix corporation without using their products. But now I am. I moved forward.

It had something to do with being alone. It had something to do with being okay doing something by myself. It had something to do with not just sitting on the internet, or spending every waking moment engaged in a social endeavor. It had something to do with not being in over-committed damaging situations.

But those were just little things.

I finished a report for work from a project that has been lingering since January. We did the research in December, and had the results in January. And then myself and one other person kept de-prioritizing the completion of the reports for month after month. It was hanging over me. It was an embarrassment. It was a single pock-mark on an otherwise decent mid-year review. It was something that was always needling me. Crushing my motivation. Making me feel like I will never get out from under it. And it was not about the quantity of work involved in completing it. It was about making myself do it. Something for which there was not a particularly high interest or audience. Something that was always less important, but became both more and less important every day that passed. A shame. Guilt. Reason to feel like a bad employee.

And it's done. As we say around here, "off my plate". I hate that metaphor. I hate the metaphor that everything we need to do is like a food item sitting on a large cafeteria plate, and some migrant kitchen worker will be scraping the dregs of it, be it crusty squash or bland powdered milk mashed potatoes, off my proverbial plate. And if you don't finish everything on your plate you don't get any dessert. And all that. But I finished. It was cold. And it didn't taste good. But I ate it anyway, because I understood the consequences.

Even Irina... off my plate. For almost a year after the dissolution of our precarious union, I felt compelled to "drop a line" and say hello. There was no purpose to it. It was not about re-engaging in person (pun not intended). It was not about a real interest. It was idle chatter. It was "because she's there". That green dot of Google. Sometimes it is best to disable it. Remove from contacts. If I don't know you're online, then you are not online. It's been over a month now of no communication. Off my plate.

Other more recent, more painful separations... likewise.

Letting go. Letting go of guilt. Letting go of the past.

Being okay.

Yesterday I had a rehearsal and there was a plan for a social meeting afterwards with some friends. But I was feeling strangely like I was okay to be alone. I needed to be alone. I never need that, and I have rarely in my life chosen it. So I did. Watched that movie, which was pretty good, albeit disturbing. And ate some leftovers, and a grilled cheese, and tomato soup. And I was okay.

I am not saying I want to be alone. And I am definitely not saying I don't want a partner, because I absolutely do! It's not about being "ALONE". It's about being a.l.o.n.e.

Now I don't even know what I am saying.

But it was about getting unstuck. Getting things off my plate.

Going to the gym again. Instead of just thinking a) I am too tired, b) I don't feel like it, c) I would rather just get home, d) I feel so out of shape, e) It is getting harder and harder to get into shape, f) I don't want to get more clothes until I figure out "what size will I actually wear if I lose the 10 pounds that I have needed to lose for 2 years?"

Going. To the gym. Just do it. Stop asking questions, making excuses. And it's not about obsession, and it's not about distorted body image (though I have had tendencies towards both of those at various points in my life). It is just about getting unstuck. Returning to patterns that are healthier. And exiting patterns that are not working.

Things feel a lot better lately. I am not saying every day is rosy. But it's headed in the right direction. Been doing lots of music stuff. Been doing some recording at home. Been spending time alone, especially on the weekend... taking walks... going to cafes for breakfast... reading The Stranger, or the newspaper... not sleeping until noon. Not staying up until 3am. Something is just shifting, and I can't exactly attribute it to one thing. It's like a coalescence of multiple positive forces lifting me up from a place that I was stuck.

Hopefully it is not transient.


  1. I love the picture!

    The beginning of your entry reminds me of the monologue from the end of Trainspotting...

    The truth is that I'm a bad person, but that's gonna change. I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. I'm cleaning up and moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you -- the job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener. Good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure-wear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine-to-five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, index pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead the day you die.

  2. Netflix. Oh gawd. I recall holding on to movies for months and returning them without ever watching them. Good to hear you're moving on...