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12 July, 2008

Things said or unsaid...

Location: here
Mood: neither here nor there

I told you all about the Insights Discovery personality profile that I did at work this week. It is interesting because now that we spent an entire day talking about blue this, and red that, and the other, I am seeing these colors in everything that I do, and everything that everyone else does. And I have been thinking more about the apparently discrepancy between my so-called "conscious" and "less conscious" states of functioning. Why is it that my conscious mind operates with these blue and yellow energies, but my less conscious one is in the green and red. I have been trying to figure out if this is true, or if it is just a bunch of hooey. Thinking about the question of when do I exhibit those red and green traits. Now, mind you, they did say that it could be the negative aspects of those colors when we are stressed, and the positive aspects when we are relaxed. So maybe I can see the red "bulldozing" behavior when I am stressed, or the green "needy and unproductive" when stressed. But do I exhibit any of the good ones? I really don't know.

Saw a recent blog where a friend was talking about those differences in how we process things at work versus not at work - the difference in personality depending on the circumstance. They perceived a clear difference in how they addressed difficult situations based on the context. Interestingly, I think that my bipolar handling of situations is more a function not of context, but of my own internal state. When I am in the mood to engage, I will be completely engaged, and confrontational, and questioning, and energetic, and persuasive. And when I am in the mood to disengage, good luck even finding me. And it just sort of goes back and forth on some type of internal clock that I cannot even say has a periodicity to it.

Of course, I am continuing to realize, lately, that my perception of my affect and my actual affect are probably only loosely correlated. I believe often that I am behaving badly, and this is entirely an internal state. It's late, and I am not being very interesting right now, so I will stop there. Wish this were better.

See... I did it again.

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