30 September, 2008

Filling in the blanks

I guess I neglected to tell you about the last two shows. I can do that now. But first I want to tell you about other stuff. Emotions. The last few days I have had an increasing feeling of fatigue. This has led to a lot of things. Decreased patience. Desire for solitude, which in turn led me to get my own room the last two nights, intolerance and perceived exaggeration of things which probably were amusing or at least innocuous a few days ago, and most of all, an overwhelming urge to just get home, leading me to spearhead the mission of us driving as far as we possibly could on these final gigless days.

I realize that was the longest sentence ever. But it sort of fits how I feel. My thoughts are confused. One long run on sentence. A week in a van with complete disconnect from the normal prongs of day to day life, and much of it starts to seem surreal or useless. I read email from work and I feel so remote from it. It is as if I am reading the work emails of a random person whom I have never met. There is hype and churn and all sorts of busy bee activity. And I don't as of now see how I can return to caring. I am sure I will. But which reality is "me"?

As we hurtle across terrain, the economic terrain is morphing. And it feels like a movie. Everything in government and news feels like a train wreck that we check in on each day, but then continue on, immune to all. But in about ten hours we will be back. Instead of being like some young rock and rollers touring the country for little more than bragging rights for having accomplished it, we will be back to being oldish people with day jobs who were willing to spend precious vacation time to play a part.

I don't think I learned as much as I would have hoped to learn on this trip. I did not explore as much as I should have. It is amazing and disconcerting, at the same time, that one can cover 5000 miles, and the biggest lessons learned were about internal states, and about the dynamics with and between myself and the three other people in the van.

I did learn that people are really the same everywhere you go. True, if you go to a truckstop in North Dakota, you will see a lot of middle Americans staring at you for being different. But that would be true of a truckstop in Washington just the same. But we don't go to that truckstop. But in the cities and the bars and the clubs and in the other bands, people are not really different at all.

Maybe midwestern people are a little nicer than those from either coast. Maybe.

As I have mentioned in about ten other blogs, I have become increasingly suspicious of my own perceptions. My own emotions and subjectivity seem to render all of them to be transient and only marginally useful.

I guess that is all that I can say here without delving into the personal.

-- Post From My iPhone

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