16 November, 2008


I covet that guitar. I covet those pedals. I covet that amplifier.

Though I have so many guitars, and so many pedals, and so many amplifiers... I still want that one. And that one. And that one. There's one that is just like two that I have. Just the same. But I want that one. Then I'd have three that are almost the same. But I want it. To you, there's not really any difference. There's a white one. A red one. But I want that blue one. Why.. Why... Why do I want it so badly?

And yes. That black one! I covet that black one. It's just like one of my red ones. But it's black.

And I want it.

"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's gear!"

Oh, but I cannot help it. I must have it. I must. I must. Let me tell you about mine. Wait, but first you tell me about yours. You have that green pedal that is just like mine. But mine's different. Mine is different because I replaced some parts inside of it. Nobody can tell by looking at it. Only I know. But now I am telling you. I tell you because I want you to covet it. Everyone has one. But nobody's is like mine.


Because I didn't just read on the internets how to make mine. I did everything they said on the internets, and then I did something else too. I did something else that they didn't say on the internets. And I will tell you about it. And you will think I know more about more than I actually do. And you will covet it. Secretly. You won't say anything. You'll nod your head while I explain this to you. And you'll think I am smart. And you will covet my green pedal.

I do not covet your green pedal. Because it is like all the others. It is dull. It will not sound as good to you, as mine does to me. Even if it sounds exactly the same to you, it will not sound as good to me, because I know mine is different. But now that I have told you about mine, yours will never sound the same to you again. You will want mine. Or another one. You will keep getting more and more pedals. Green, blue, purple, red, yellow, orange, white, black, gray, brown, silver, magenta. And you will fill your entire closet, and your entire studio, and the entire stage, and the closets of all of your bandmates. You will keep buying more and more and more. Some of them you will loan to people and not even remember that you bought them. All to get "that sound". You will not even remember what mine sounded like. But you will always want better and better and better. It will break your spirit, and you will no longer even desire to play. Only to covet. To stockpile. To fill a giant empty sonic hole.

But I still want that blue guitar. And the black one too.


  1. just awesome!

    I am that way about few things...perhaps brushes...paintbrushes that is. Luckily MY obsession is FAR cheaper ;)

  2. Inman Wheelright17 November, 2008 06:39

    Be sure to choose a good heir. Perhaps a struggling, penniless slacker dude who is still in high school. Then when you die you will make somebody happy.

    Or you could have yourself cryogenically frozen and put it all in a storage locker with the rent paid for the next 300 years.

    Then you can play catch with Ted Williams.