19 November, 2008

Why the fruit cup is such a buzz kill

The fruit cup is a buzz kill.

I know that seems hard to believe, because everyone loves fruit. And I do too. But I think that the "Demoralization Police" here at work, whose every move is designed to swiftly, covertly, and completely vaporize my will to live, have figured out how to take fruit and turn it into a weapon of mass depression.

It's quite simple to explain this one, and I am not going to be long-winded about it. Fruit cup. Simple. But one thing that is essential to a fruit cup is variety. One wants to have a little of this, then a little of that. It's more of a fruit medley, than a fruit cup, when done correctly. Alas, it is not the case here. Let me explain to you the construction of every fruit cup here:

Take cup.
Insert cantaloupe (40% of entire volume)
Insert honeydew (25% of entire volume)
Insert watermelon (20% of entire volume)
Insert grapes (15% of entire volume)
Install lid.

So, you can obviously see the problem, can't you?

Everyone knows that the worst possible way to eat is from order of most favorite to least favorite. Because once you've consumed all the "good stuff", the will to finish dwindles rapidly. And this fruit cup is packed with my most favorite items on top, and least favorite on the bottom. Completely separated from one another, save for the occasional grape that burrows into the depths of the melon undersoil.

So, when I start my day with a fruit cup, I have effectively crushed my own will to live, by the time I get through the last bite of watermelon.

It is truly adding insult to injury that, not only do I not really like the melons, but I am slightly allergic to melon, and furthermore, they almost always serve underripe melon, which I consider to be a human rights violation.

The only other fruit alternative (in a cup, that is) would be the apple slices. These used to be good, until recently, they began putting so much lemon juice on them, to prevent browning, that they taste horrible. This did not used to be necessary because they had a crisper type of apple that didn't seem to brown much. But now, they've of course switched to some shitty apple that nobody likes.

Goodbye cruel world.


  1. ...why don't you just make your own fruit cup with the most delectable of fruits available?

  2. ...hawaii has delicious fruit.

  3. solution: STIR the fruit cup before eating.