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17 February, 2009

Deep Dark Secrets

Does everyone have deep, dark secrets?

I often wonder this. There are plenty of things to wonder in this arena, too. First question would be whether or not people have them, in general. Second question would be how deep and/or dark they are. Third question would be whether or not people are even aware of their secrets, or if many people just have things buried that they'll never discuss, and which they never think about either. Because there's a difference between a secret that you bury like a skeleton in the back yard of the woman that you picked up at a truck-stop and then murdered, versus a secret that you harbor and hold cupped in your hands like Golem's "precious" ring. Without all of the ridiculous metaphor, all I'm saying is that there are basically secrets that you love and secrets that you hate.

To the best of my knowledge I only have two deep, dark secrets. One I love, and one I hate. And I wonder, am I fairly typical for this, or am I a freak? It is just one of those things that you don't get to find out in this world since, by their very nature, secrets are not things that people share openly. Do I want to share them? Well, I don't know. There's a certain liberation of letting go of something that you cling to tightly. But there's an immense fear associated with it. When you reveal your secrets to someone, you're laying yourself at an altar to either be slaughtered or spared.

"Accept me! Please!"

That's the gist of it. And I don't know if the urge to reveal the secrets is based more on the desire to share it with someone so that they'll understand us better, or if it is to be forgiven, or if it is to simply lessen the burden of it by releasing some pressure from a valve that is holding in the volatile gases of our being.

And secrets are all relative things anyway, aren't they? There are some things that may be a deep, dark secret to one person, but to another they are simply stated facts. Obvious example would be a person's sexuality. If a person is a homosexual, but has chosen to never reveal this, then it probably falls into that deep, dark secret category. And clearly, it is only by the individual's choice that this state of existence is either deep or dark. Which makes me wonder, what does it mean to be deep or dark, anyway? Well, I guess the "deep" part is rooted in the fact that it is an essential element of our identity that in some part either does, or has defined us. And the "dark" part? Well, that's all about perceptions. In many cases, it is purely the perception of the holder of the secret. But in some cases, it is the perception of the family or loved ones of the secret holder. And in few cases, probably, it is because of the perceptions of society as a whole. One would suppose that there are absolutes, based on cultural and societal norms. If your secret is a desire to have oral sex with farm animals, chances are that all will agree it is a bit, shall we say, "dark". But that is probably an extreme. 

The darkness all relates to one's perception that to express this element would marginalize the individual. It would deny them acceptance. So we don't share it. We keep it inside.

Back to the beginning again. I wonder who has these secrets. We all must have some. Regarding my deep dark secret that I "love"? That one I have told to some, but only under certain circumstances, sometimes for good reasons, and sometimes for bad reasons. The deep dark secret that I "hate"? I have told very few. 

Do we need to get past our darkness? Do we need to be able to share it all? Or are there some things that are just as well taken to the grave unshared, unspoken, unknown?

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