26 March, 2009


Here is a question that I pose to you: In your relationship, do you feel that you ever, sometimes, often misbehave?

What do I mean by that? Well, it could mean any number of things. I am specifically not referring to "jailable offenses" such as infidelity, lying, abuse, neglect, etc.

What I am talking about is when we do something in a relationship that we know we shouldn't do. And it usually results from some type of need that we have, that we cannot express. Or from a fear. Or from stress in our lives. When we know our partner is tired, but we start a conversation with them late at night because we're feeling upset. When we ask them to do something for us that we know they don't really like to do, but we know they'll say yes, because they want to make us happy. When we hold back our feelings because we're feeling insecure, and that causes our partner to feel insecure, which then, paradoxically, somehow makes us feel more secure. When we communicate our fears, knowing that the result might be that our partner will feel compelled to address them, perhaps even by changing the way they live their own life.

I don't know. There are a million permutations. And I guess it all comes down to figuring out what the balance is between asking for what you need in a relationship, versus being inconsiderate about another person's needs. I worry so much about misbehaving, personally, that I feel like asking for anything is a form of manipulation, or neediness, or being a bad partner. Obviously, since I am referring to the concept of "saying what you need" as "misbehaving".

I'm just curious to know if others have the same anxieties about expressing feelings and needs, knowing the implications it will have on the people who are close to us.

1 comment: