13 March, 2009

Sunshine in a cloudy town

Friday, March 13th is probably the best day we've had in 2009. Spring-like, sunny, light atmosphere. It almost makes you forget that Seattle has 3 more months of "Winter", doesn't it? And I think the moral of the story is that attitude is everything. Three months ago, it could have been 80 degrees, sunny, and I could have been walking along the beach on a tropical island, and I might have found a way to wallow in the gloom. My feelings about myself, my job, my life, were all severely dragging. And I did not know how I was going to pull myself out of it. I knew that I really needed to change pretty much everything about the way I was living, and thinking. And that can be a daunting task. Where do you start? You don't want to be radical and set yourself up for a level of performance that you can't possibly achieve. So where to start? I decided that it needed to be the sleeping and exercising, because I felt like those were a) the areas over which I could exert the maximum control, and b) the areas which could potentially have the greatest impact on my ability to sort out the other stuff. When I finally get down to business, and set my mind to something, it is amazing at how disciplined I can be. But that makes me wonder why I ever fall off the wagon of self-maintenance? I'm not sure. I think it has to do with choices that seem harmless, but turn out not to be. Or seem harmful, and prove to be! Take your pick. And then, got to ask why I choose to do these things that might be harmful. Is it boredom? Self-sabotage? Impatience? Short-sightedness? All of the above? I think it's probably all of the above.

I have to say that it feels much better to be living well, than to be falling apart. Duh. It is nice to feel like the things I am doing matter. And to feel like I am working towards a positive future, not a dead end, or a disaster, or unhappiness. 

Back to that old "valuation of self" topic... I wonder if the issue really was a lack of self-worth? Or is it just the laziness, impatience, etcetera? I suppose that the choice not to be patient, or not to think ahead, or not to avoid self-sabotage would all be a form of lacking self-worth. If you value yourself, don't you kind of have to hold yourself to a standard? I don't know. It's all semantics, but I think it matters.

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