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24 April, 2009

Paranoia

It really sucks being paranoid by nature. I never knew I was. But I guess I always have been. Not sure if it was painfully obvious to everyone but myself. The point in time which I came to believe it was when I did something that exacerbated my natural tendency in a way that resulted in behavior that transitioned into the realm of abnormal. In some ways, I want to believe that was the start of it all, but I know that’s not true. I have always been this way. I think paranoia can be a by-product of self-absorption. If you walk around thinking that everything is about you, then it stands to reason that you might think that everything is organized against you. It’s straightforward logic. Things that are perhaps miniscule or routine in the minds or actions of others become “master plans” in my estimation. Everyone is out to get me. People are trying to squeeze me. To make my life harder. When I leave the room they’re talking about me. And they think I am annoying. They think I am not good enough. They don’t trust me. The first chance they have to get rid of me, you know they will. Work. Music. Relationships. Friendships. Even when I go to a restaurant, and the server takes a long time to serve me, the little thought goes in my mind that she probably doesn’t like me – never liked me.

It takes a lot of energy to walk around in this state. And the problem with it, really, is that when circumstances arise that trigger these feelings, I can go way down the path of self-destruction. I imagine that I am being treated differently than everyone else. And it is not fair. Even as I write this, telling you of my propensity for paranoia, I still believe that I am not treated the same.

I don’t know if everyone goes through these same trials and stresses. Silently, privately freaking out, and worrying that there’s a big problem, when maybe it’s nothing. I don’t know if my standing in my various endeavors is more tenuous than most of my peers, or friends, or if it’s merely my perception. But I am someone who relies heavily on harmony. I need to feel like what I am doing in my life is “okay” and when I do not feel this, I become very uneasy. So I am easily fallen victim to the different communication styles of the people in my life. If they cannot give me the peace and harmony of knowing my standing that I require, I start spiraling into paranoia. Stress. Dreams. Grinding my teeth. Moodiness. I suppose there could be other people who live the exact same life as I do, but they just do what they do, and don’t worry, wonder, second guess, stress, doubt. They just live, and trust that everything is okay.

I wish I could do that.

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