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07 July, 2012

Seeing the trajectory

I reread much of the 2008 content. Lots about relationships. Lots about valuation. Lots about death. That was a raw year for me. My heart was cracked open. What did it? Was it my mother's death? I think it had already started, and the process was escalated by the loss. So many things happened that year, and I think it was a kind of emotional mining expedition. This blog, before that time, was a series of witty commentaries and observations about the world. I haven't actually gone back and looked, but I pretty much know that's what I'd find.

It's kind of interesting, now that I am practicing yoga, and engaging in a more "formal" exploration of inner places. It's a quieter kind of exploration, more modest, less concrete. But I was doing my own version of "moving toward the discomfort" in 2008. Full-on reality show on discomfort. I dug up a whole bunch of shit, and had the workings of a philosophical manifesto laying among the piles of dirt. But it sort of fizzled out in 2009. It's like I got tired of the darkness, and tried (again) to be something I was not. I'm not sure that's accurate either. But I stopped digging, and various windstorms covered over a lot of what had been unearthed.

In 2010, more trauma could have kicked off the process again, but instead I opted to shut down the emotional channel and focus on career. I would not really have characterized it that way, but it's what I did, and largely continued to do for the past couple of years.

At some point last year, the exploration resurfaced in this "less verbose" fashion, and triggered the yoga practice. And finally, the two have started coming together and there's a bit of both the "Classic" and "New" me happening, with the writing (mainly in the other blog) and the yoga.

Looking back, I can see now how slowly "growth" occurs in our lives. It's not actually that slow, when looking backwards. A few years. But, in the day-to-day, it feels almost imperceptible. And when I think back to those first urges to find another way of seeing the world, when I was 24 years old trying to read about Zen, it was certainly a long road. I'm not suggesting in any way that I think I've made huge progress on that road.

Changing channels.

I want to be writing here. In this blog. I want to be making those witty observations of the world that I used believe I was making. I want to have "Something To Say." And right now, it mostly comes through the yoga blog, because I have held myself to this standard of writing every day. There's only so much you can write, right?

I see where I was. I see where I went. The trajectory is always clear in hindsight, like a vapor trail. And the blog helps preserve that trail in a way that it can forever be revisited, unlike an actual vapor trail that becomes more and more vague and diffuse, until there is no trail at all, except a memory.

But do I see where I am going?

Shouldn't I be able to look at my current state, my present actions and focus, and predict where the trajectory will lead me? Shouldn't I? Can I tell you what this life will look like in 3 months? 6 months?

If you envision it, will it happen?

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